UKURUMPA TO BE EMPTIED IMMINENTLY---IM RAPT!!
Everyone left behind gets a full day of rape and pillage before hell opens up and swallows us. Be there or be square!
If everything goes according to plan, the earth will suffer a world-ending earthquake on 6 PM Saturday night (10 PM Eastern Standard Time) in the US, and of course much much earlier for those of us in the southern hemisphere. Like PNG. New Zealanders will be the first know, 11 PM Friday their time, and then the rolling thunder of the Four Horsemen will gallop across each continent shattering every Richter scale in existence.
Rapturologists assure us that this day will be like any other, no need to panic or change your routine in any way. Should you be properly god fearing and rapture ready (those of us lucky enough to buy our ‘Rapture Ready’ t shirt at $18.95 for a limited time only are well set) the big man himself will hoover you up like a speck of lint from the great carpet of the sky at exactly 6 PM (should God have his timepiece synchronized).
The rest of us will enjoy looking up your skirts as we crane to determine whether the missionaries we like are amongst the chosen and whether the missionaries we don’t like (those who keep sending us those horrible circulars asking for money) will be left behind, with us, at malls and freeways and church parking lots across the globe. I can only imagine what a lonely place Ukurumpa is going to be Sunday.
Excellent locations for Rapture readiness should be New Tribes Mission stations, Divine Word (weeding the Papist from the anti-Papists at last!), the top of Mt Wilhelm (race you!), the Port Moresby mosque, among others. If you happen to be visiting the homes of very nice people, be sure there are identifiable holes to the ceilings, openings in the morata, or whatever, to allow their easy and swift elevation. It is surely going to be difficult for some people caught between the drop ceiling and the copper roofing of many homes.
A quick warning: There have been serious mistakes made by nearly-rapture-ready believers who either failed to understand the gravitas of this event,
misunderstood some of the rapture idiom for (god help us) erotica,
Despite the fact that I need multiple weight belts to scuba dive, and like to think of myself as pretty ebullient, there is a very good chance I shall be amongst those left behind. Dont ask me how I know, I just do.
Like Corrie ten Boom, the original Dutch Rapture sceptic , who always averred that rapture in all its incarnations must be a myth because she never felt her clogs lifted, I will be gloriously and serenely left behind-
But unless the Rapture involved something like ancient Egyptian burial rites, uplifting all the furniture and good cars with their occupants, I believe the rest of us have a pretty good chance reaping the spoils of the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth.
My plan (after the parties of course), is to set out on a cross-country trek from one missionary home to another, with a big sack and few co-survivors, trolling for the computers, CB radios, the electric kettles, flat screened TVs, glass-tinted fifth elements and Land Rovers, not to mention all the drop-waisted denim dresses we can get our hands on, and begin the march of redistribution to their one and sundry congregations left behind.
We will usher the lambs who have long been kneeling on wood palings in thatch chapels across PNG toward the big stained glass cathedrals of the Second Coming, built right there on the best piece of their own customary land, and invite them to open those Dutch-door refrigerators and locked rec rooms of the Raptured-never-to-return white people, to discover for themselves the Playstations, the dirt bikes, the Cuisinarts and souvenir spoon collections.